Staying Connected - A Source for Healing
by Angele Marino, LMSW-ACP, LMFT

Everyone wants to be HAPPY. Most of us feel we will be happier, if we have a boat, a new car, a more loving relationship, that pair of Gucci shoes, that special client, a piece of jewelry. Yet, once we get the desired relationship, that desired object or the golden opportunity, in a very short time, we want more. Because of our potential to grow, we are never satisfied. This is a tension that never goes away; a tension that can propel us to what we consider successful and fulfilled lives. The desire to reach our potential can also become problematic. We can spend much of our waking and sleeping hours dreaming of what might eventually come to us. The yearning and churning gives us a rush, even a high. Depending on how much we let these desires consume us, we can miss the beauty and pleasure, the natural challenge of the here and now, the wonder in the everyday.

With all our efforts and planning, are we happy? Are we at peace? Do we have a sense of fulfillment? For centuries, wise men and women have called us to consider being more deeply connected with ourselves and with those in our lives. We have been called to look at life as it really is and not how we would like it to be. To stand in the "stuff of everyday," embrace it and create new possibilities, through clear communication, creative problem-solving and loving regard for the world in which we live.

The only moment we have is this one. Its richness will come, depending on how connected we are to ourselves and how much we love ourselves. How we embrace experiences and the material goods in our lives, depends on how we perceive ourselves and how we honor our souls - our core being.

For a long time, as an adult, I was successful because I had built my ideals, my values, on my Daddy's values: "No matter what, get the job done." I paid a great price, as did the people in my life - family, friends and co-workers. My focus was more on getting the job done and much less on who I am and who they are - those special people in my life!

Though what I did had the appearance of being loving, the focus was on the task, and not about being connected. I lived disconnected...and very successful. My addiction was getting the job done and doing a good job while I was at it. I'm not advocating NOT doing a good job. I'm advocating feeling at home and comfortable within yourself. This means being who you are, and letting the people in your life, be who they are. So let's take a walk into our internal world - from which can come contentment or misery.

Our internal worlds have been around since we were in our mother's womb. We took in her world and those around her. Our internal worlds grew, as we grew. It is important to know that for whatever reason, but especially because they were human, most of our parents/caregivers did not come thorough ALL of the time. At some times in our very young lives, we were disappointed, let down, disillusioned, fear-filled, ashamed in varying degrees. Depending on our parents' limitedness, their fierceness, and the number of times uncaring gestures happened, would be how deeply and tragically hurt we became. Being a small child, with limited knowledge and experience, the judgment we made about the situation was that something had to be wrong with us. We could not let ourselves believe our parents/caretakers could be wrong. They were the only ones we had.

To be a child, is to be in a very vulnerable state. Self-doubt and self-criticism begins during early childhood and becomes deeper and deeper with each criticism from others, and above all, from our own. The degree to which we carry these thoughts and feelings today, depends on how we have been able to heal ourselves from those childhood hurts.

Survival, for many of us, was about disconnecting from ourselves and using behaviors that helped us survive: pleasing others, being aggressive (usually passive-aggressive) being perfect, being tough, etc. This disconnection from ourselves, promoted detachment and the presentation of a "created" person for varying life situations. In this state, it is very difficult to be true to our soul. So, who are we anyway? Who is anybody? No wonder it is so difficult to stay connected, speak our truth, to live our truth.

How do we become more and more connected? How do we heal ourselves?

1. Identify Your Core Hurt And Learn To Dance With It

   We all have hurts that RUN our lives. (Just notice the times when you become the most upset, defensive, insistent, nervous or anxious). At those times, we close down, do not see clearly and use reactive behaviors. We have a knack for escalating the event; emotions get stronger. Staying connected becomes less a possibility and what we want becomes the most important thing in our world. Of course, it is not the most important thing in other people's worlds.

   To heal, we have to face the hurts, feel them and then begin to let go of the hold they have on us. Until I was able to face my limitedness and that I could not always "get the job done" and "done right," I always had to prove myself. Now that I have embraced this part of me I feel more at home with my limited self, as well as with my successful self. Feeling more at ease, I can truly be more loving of others, present to their realities as well as to my own.
   
   

2. Validate Yourself

   This is all about seeing life as it really is. We are connected to ourselves. We acknowledge our own truth, our own perspective, and have a right to express our own ideas, needs, hopes and dreams. We can feel at home with ourselves. (Each person's quality of life depends on the person's ability to honor oneself and to trust oneself. You are who you are).

   Feeling at ease internally, we are better able to let others be who they really are. With this kind of INTERNAL, AUTHENTIC FREEDOM, we can really see and understand others. As we claim our own space, our own needs, we respect the space and needs of others. Together we become more creative, discovering life, initiating new ways of being, which include the values that remain most precious to us. This kind of living-being allows for a peacefulness that is unsurpassed.

   Being connected to ourselves, we become open to the belief in the resiliency of the Human Spirit. We somehow know we will be OK, no matter what happens. Look, we are still here. Look what we have been through. When I work with clients in creating their life videos, they see they are OK, in fact, better than OK. Over and over again, they remember the events in their lives and see how the hardships they experienced brought them to a greater sense of life. What life stories they have to pass on to their grandchildren! Honoring their journey, retelling and sharing their stories, in creative video format, validates their life and gives them a new sense of life. People who document their life journey can see how sometimes they held on to dreams and wishes and their journey was so much a struggle and also a victory. They also saw in their life story how they let go and became more open, how life became much easier. The Human Spirit does survive.
   
   

3. Stay In The Moment

   The past is gone, the future is not here. All we have is this moment.

   A sense of fulfillment happens in the "now." How am I the kind of person, I want to be, in this moment? Notice yourself and what you are feeling. Each feeling is a messenger. Feelings are like friends, offering us ideas on what we need. Besides survival needs, they also cue us into our emotional needs. We cannot maintain reasonable comfort levels, if there is not a sense of love and belonging, of power (we make a difference), of freedom (we have some choices/we don't feel stuck), and of fun (just good old play and laughter, as well as learning new things). Notice what you need now.

   If we find ourselves, much of the time, going to the past and regretting, or going to the future and wishing, maybe we are trying to escape the challenge of the moment. Many times when we don't know what to do or we don't trust ourselves, we slip into the past with regret, guilt or blame. Or we sometimes slip into the future, to dream and feel better or worry and become anxious, to distract ourselves from what is in our hands now.

   In the moment we create and experience happiness. Staying in the moment is a way of staying connected with ourselves and with the people present. Checking in with our feelings is like radar. It takes us to what we are feeling, then to what we are needing, then to resolution. It's very important for us to feel our feelings, and to go through them. We usually cover them over by working harder, drinking or drugging, going on buying sprees, etc. Do you remember a time when you just cried and cried, until you finally stopped? And, you felt better, you felt relieved. Sometimes we only have to sit with our feeling, and listen to what it is telling us. We become clearer as to what we are needing, and life can even look differently. Through our involvement with others, we come to recognize that they have their own needs. So, creatively we try to get what we need, without interfering with the needs of others. This takes very clear communication, with ourselves and with others.

   Being in the moment can be quite effective. Letting ourselves connect with ourselves and with those with whom we are involved now, with conscious awareness, can make a difference in our relationship. This means being in touch with our own needs as well as being aware of the needs of those with whom we are involved. Really look at the other person; cross over into their world. To be connected means to have eye contact, wondering-in wonder about their needs, at this very moment, letting ourselves be at rest with them, without expectations, without assumptions, without judgments.
   
   

4. Live In Spontaneity

   As we let go of our hurts, increase our self/other validation, believe in nature's resiliency, we create an environment of carefilled openness. We will be more carefree, and able to laugh more at the absurdities of life. Without carrying the baggage of resentment, and guilt, and judgment, we are free to be open to all of life, in the moment. We know we can handle this moment, this situation. Gradually we become more at ease and comfortable with the world, with our co-workers, friends and family, and above all, with ourselves.

   Dance then, wherever you may be!

Angele Marino, LMSW-ACP, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice and co-founder of the Expressive Therapies Center (ETC). She is a faculty member for the William Glasser Institute providing courses in Reality Therapy/Choice Theory. Promoting Healthy Sexuality/Healthy Relationships is one of her favorite things to do. Her clients are families, couples, singles, adolescents and children. Working as a family enhances the journey toward greater well-being. She can be reached by e-mail at mangele@ix.netcom.com or visit ETC' s website at www.expressivetherapies.com.