Choice: Happiness or Misery?
by Angele Marino, LMSW-ACP, LMFT

"All I really want is to be happy and in a loving relationship." These are words spoken by men and women over and over again. We are genetically driven to feel good. We are driven to find ways of feeling good and we don't want to feel bad. Even what may look like self-destructive behaviors, the instant reward feels good; even though the long term consequences could be devastating. Part of how we become smarter and increasingly effective is by staying away from misery-producing behaviors now and in the future. For example, sometimes we let go of our eating plan and splurge. That wonderful hot chocolate sundae tastes so good and the better it tastes, the more we might eat. However, what follows the next day may be some very miserable feelings. The smarter we get, the more able we are to keep a balance between feeling satisfied and not feeling deprived. This also works in reverse. I may feel less satisfied when I stay with my food program and feel even better because of the results. The operating principle is that we cannot get all that we want, yet we can always get some of what we need.

In terms of being happy and having loving relationships, the same principle works. When we can feel in charge of our lives, maintain a reasonable amount of peace and joy, we feel in control. The difficulty with most relationships is that one or both of the persons is trying to get the other to do what they don't want to do. Or, one or the other is doing what the other person wants, because the other wants it. They are only following the request because the other wants it that way. We all know such behaviors do not last. Often times there is a build up of resentment and eventually there is an explosion or an implosion. That is when people become depressed, sick and tired. Just think about the last time you exploded or felt really tired and discouraged. Were you doing something you really didn't want to do?

Unless we find ways of managing our own lives in difficult times, we will manage to be miserable. The reality is that the only person we can control is ourselves. Our culture seems to encourage dependency, where we don't really know who we are and what we want and need. For so long, we live our lives out of reacting to someone else until we "can't take it any more." This happens especially in our work place, because we don't want to lose our job. None of us do. It happens also in our families where people are living together with little communication, much less, intimacy.

Because of the advance of science and the understanding of how our brains work, we are clear that when something disturbing happens, for about thirty seconds we can experience pure feeling, without control of its intensity. Then we make choices as to how we will respond. Even though anger may be our primary reaction to things we do not like, we now know we can create new pathways-new responses in the brain. To do this takes an acute awareness and dedication to the process. How wonderful it is to realize that we no longer have to feel tied to "the way we have always been."

Since each of us can control only ourselves, what happens when another impinges on our lives? Now we are really in the "hot seat" of relating. When others do not do what we need, how can we be happy? How can we be loving? How can we be the kind of person we would like to be in this difficult moment?

Even before understanding CHOICE THEORY, many families used behaviors that were attending, cooperating, and problem solving, because they believed in staying connected and showing mutual respect. Yet, most of us tend to be dependent on the behaviors of others and react in disconnecting ways. Many families use complaining, blaming, criticizing, threatening, punishing, rejecting, withdrawing, abusing behaviors. These behaviors kill intimacy and often breed hostility. Clearly these behaviors are governed by the belief that our problems are caused by what others do, or do not do.

Yes, CHOICE THEORY is a new psychology, yet it has been around as long as human beings. In the last thirty years, we have come to understand and realize how human beings operate. No matter what age, 5-10-15-20-30-60 or 90, we want to drive our own car (as discussed last month.) To be able to have a sense of our identity, our own empowerment and self- direction, age appropriate is the way we grow into our potential. Sometimes little people do not have enough knowledge to make good decisions so they need help having a fuller understanding of the situation, as well as boundaries for safety and well-being. Older people may not always feel in control physically, yet the desire to manage themselves is as critical as ever.

So, if we are going to become more aware of how we can manage our lives and move toward greater happiness and loving relationships, what do we do? Let's look at an example of what many couples have to deal with; for example, being on time for functions. Frequently, one person is ready to go and the other is forever late. Why? We will never know! Both people know the other is not doing what they need. There have been all kinds of discussion as to why the other wants their partner to change, and how strong they feel about the partner's refusal to change. You all know the scenario. What each has received from the other is information about why one wants to be on time and the other is not needing to be on time.

No matter how powerful the information or how crazy the information may sound to the other, there is a way for each of you to get your needs met. Both of you. This calls for clearly knowing why each position is important, even though it may not make sense to you. When someone holds on to an opinion, no matter what, something is really at stake. It might be a value around being on time; it might be around , once again, giving in to the partner, or there may be other reasons. In trying to discern your own values, let yourself be honest with yourself and face your own truth. This will help you know what you really need. Then you are ready to problem-solve for yourself.

The person who would like to be on time actually seems to have the problem because that person is usually the most disturbed, and so, has to find ways of taking care and honoring his or her own needs and values. If the partner continues not to choose to be on time, just let that struggle go. Just let it go! Now, knowing that you feel most comfortable with being on time, what can you do that will make the difference for you and not interfere with your partner's decision? The way some couples work this out is to agree to go places in different cars. The person wanting to be on time checks with friends and gets a ride with one of them. Some have decided to take a cab. Some decide to do something more enjoyable than going to the particular function.

So how is this about staying connected? It's about giving each other room to be oneself, not trying to change the other, maintaining one's own integrity while honoring the other's. It is about effectively taking control of your own life and not resenting others because they think differently or have different values. It is about letting go of the power struggle and acknowledging people as they are. It is regaining your freedom and not feeling constrained or dependent on others for your happiness. Once each person knows what the other is needing and force isn't being used to have the other adjust, there is a feeling of comfort that seems to increase and each person becomes at ease with the other. Then individuals are better able to learn from each other, grow, and perhaps even change to the other's point of view.

Sometimes, I have had couples in the office who are afraid to take this much responsibility for their own happiness and really rather stay in their usual position of blaming and trying to get the other to change. If this is their choice, usually the relationship becomes more awkward and stressful. Perhaps they will never have the experience of being at home with themselves nor with the other.

To better understand Reality Therapy/Choice Theory, attend an upcoming workshop. This workshop is both a learning experience and an investment that will make a difference for the rest of your life. Call 713-267-0743 for more information and a workshop schedule.

Angele Marino, LMSW-ACP, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice and co-founder of the Expressive Therapies Center (ETC). She is a faculty member for the William Glasser Institute providing courses in Reality Therapy/Choice Theory. Promoting Healthy Sexuality/Healthy Relationships is one of her favorite things to do. Her clients are families, couples, singles, adolescents and children. Working as a family enhances the journey toward greater well-being. She can be reached by e-mail at mangele@ix.netcom.com or visit ETC' s website at www.expressivetherapies.com.